What I don't understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. 'Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.'

For a $16,000 watch, that second hand ought to act like a damn second hand. For $16,000 that hand ought to jump off the watch and give you a high-five when your team makes a damn basket.

I know I'm not buying anything, and you know I'm not buying anything, but I want to know how much the sh*t I'm not buying costs.

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, 'Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300 gallon drum of laundry detergent for 99 cents. Why don't you go take your good values to another town?'

I get in the dressing room. I'm in there like five, 10 minutes. She comes knocking at the door. I go, 'What?' 'You've been in there a while. Are you OK?' I open the door a crack. I said, 'No. Could you get me some toilet paper?'

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake.

Yesterday I bought a cuckoo clock at an Army Navy store. Last night at 10, the bird chirped 2,200 times.

I like to go to stores and mess with the salespeople, get them back. They mess with you all day. I go in the store, right? And I just try stuff on and walk around in it. They can't tell you how long to keep it on.

I ask myself questions in those stores I don't ask myself anywhere else, like, 'Will I live long enough to use all those paper towels?'