You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, f**k that guy.'

Peace' is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew 'peace' was coming was 'cause the priest would say, 'Peace,' like five times, rapid fire. You'd hear him; he'd be, like, 'And the peaceful disciples said, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you as we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord." And he said, "I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye."'

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?Make me one with everything.

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

A radical Muslim cleric walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The cleric responds, "A gruesome puddle of your filthy infidel blood!"

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and sure enough, the next time the whole congregation was in temple, he had the hyptmatist perform.......
"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch," he said.
Then he accidently dropped the watch he said,"SHIT!!!!"
Then it took 3 weeks to clean up the temple.

Q: Why did everyone in Minneapolis quit going to church and lose their faith?A: There are a dozen or so pages in the Bible about St. Paul, but nothing about Minneapolis.

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks.Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?A: A nun falling down stairs.